Sunday e-mail 7th April: Carnival barkers; the witches are coming!
Step right up! Step right up! You've read about it! You've heard about it! Now it's time to see with your own two eyes...
Like you, I have been thinking a lot about carnival barkers. I mean those ear-drumming hawkers who hold court outside Midwestern tents at dusk, wearing military-band coats (frayed and faded braid), using cheap cigars like megaphones, and encouraging you to come on in and see for yourself the wonders inside, the management accepts no responsibility for nightmares, heart attacks, strokes, etc. that may befall those of a nervous disposition…
Like you, I’ve been wondering whether I have what it takes to become a professional carnival barker. Would I love it, or would I be embarrassed by the whole tawdry affair? Or both? Am I shameless enough, loud enough, extraverted enough?
Like you, I haven’t met a whole lot of carnival barkers. For sure, there was one ill-assorted fellow on a Manhattan corner, loitering frowsy and forlorn next to a wooden box: ‘Come and see the rat! It’s a bit rat! Biiiig rat!’ No great temptation. I’d have felt the same about PT Barnum, who created his own stationary carnival just a few blocks away. And then there was that chap on Bourbon Street who tried to gather an audience for an all-girl wrestling match…the less said about that the better.
Outside Ray Bradbury stories, that’s about the extent of it for me and carnival barkers. And yet, and yet… Doesn’t Tom Waits sound like the very incarnation of grizzled grandeur on his Black Rider album as he harangues you hoarsely outside Harry’s Harbor Bizarre? Tom Waits is proud to present, under the Big Top tonight, huuu-man oddities! Step right up! See JoJo the dog-faced boy!! (Click here if you have never heard this specimen of the carnival-barker’s art.)
PT Barnum, Ray Bradbury, Tom Waits… Why is the carnival barker such a distinctly American phenomenon? And why does New York City, in particular, appear to be a carnival-barker battery farm? The New York City boxing promoter, Don King, was clearly a carnival barker of sorts. So too is a certain New Yorker who is running for President. And don’t forget Stan Lee, the man who made the Marvel Comics group not so much what it is today but what it used to be, decades ago. Let’s be honest - Stan the Man was no great writer, and he probably stole at least as much as he invented. But Stan was a master of his art. Loudly and proudly he went on and on about his cheap, four-colour product. At length, you didn’t dare to miss an issue.
You HAVE to see (Stan told us and we believed him)… The triumphant return of Magneto! The epic ORIGIN of Doctor Doom, the greatest super-villain of all!! The next astonishing twist in the life of…Peter Parker, The Amazing Spider-Man!!! Step right up and see JoJo the dog-faced boy.
Is this an honest way to make a living? Is it a tiny bit sketchy??
These are awkward questions, so let’s think instead about everyone’s favourite Substack, Crime & Psychology. What’s waiting for you, these next few weeks? I KNOW you’re thrilling to hear, so let’s not delay!! Take a peek inside the tent. See? Huuu-man oddities!! There are more waiting for you, just behind that ticket-collector there. Cross his palm with silver, there you go, you got yourself a bargain, my friend!!! The management accepts no responsibility, etc:
1. Be here WEDNESDAY when we pull back the mysterious curtain to reveal…the forbidden SECRET PSYCHOLOGY that lies behind the strangest and most frightening era in all of huuu-man history – the wicked WITCH-CRAZE! Never before have your eyes witnessed such daring drama!! Never before has your brain boggled so brightly!!!
2. Need something light after your exposure to such dark arts? Look over into this craftily-lit corner… I have something daringly and dramatically different in store the following week. Something unique, something reserved my special customers… Yes, I am talking about a newsletter called…COMMON SENSE DANCING! It’s great! Will there also be a Biiiig rat? If so, the management accepts no responsibility.
3. See in all its pulse-pounding suspense the start of an occasional series devoted to serial crime! Where do serial criminals come from? What do they have in common? How good are we, really, at detecting and catching them? THIS titanic new series begins in only a few weeks, pilgrims!! Some are already calling it THE GREATEST SUBSTACK SERIES OF ALL TIME!!! You DARE not miss it!!!!
4. Marvel at JoJo the dog-faced boy! Or not!! If, on the off-chance, JoJo fails to turn up, other attractions are jostling to take his place. I’m thinking about newsletters jam-packed with such mind-stretching, senses-defying juju as THIS: THE BIGGEST PROBLEM IN SOCIAL SCIENCE! TRUTH-DETECTION!! VOODOO DEATH!!!
5. You probably figure you’ve got your money’s worth already. Surely we’ve reached the limit of these magical marvels? That’s where you’re wrong!! Big-hearted Crime & Psychology readers like you deserve big-hearted extras like these: more stunning Sunday e-mails; more brilliant bullet lists; another update to our ever-popular Dictionary of Crime! And MORE!! And probably even MORE (I expect)!!!
Enough from me. Eyes dazzled, senses reeling, it’s your turn to enjoy the delights of Crime & Psychology!! Are there newsletters you haven’t read yet? Sunday e-mails you’ve been saving for a rainy day?? What are you waiting for??? Check them out NOW! Just one thing before you go – remember that the management accepts no responsibility, etc.
Crime & Psychology! It’s not a Substack! It’s a Superstack! Make sure you don’t miss out! Reserve YOUR copy TODAY! It couldn’t be easier!! Simply blip a blue button below!!